A Deeper Look at Patterns That Keep You Tied to Survival Mode
Ever found yourself working harder than ever, but still feeling like you’re just scraping by… not just in money, but in your energy, your clarity, or your peace?
Maybe you over-give. Maybe you avoid looking at your finances altogether. Maybe you chase more, more, more, secretly hoping that one day, “more” will finally feel like enough.
If so, you may be caught in a subtle but powerful pattern: financial codependency.
But let’s get clear: this isn’t just the pop-psychology version. This is about the real, hidden patterns that keep you stuck, and keep your sense of security tied to things you can’t control.
What Is Financial Codependency? (The Sovereign Lens)
Here’s the real truth:
Financial codependency is not about how much you have, it’s about the patterns you use to feel secure.
Most people think money stress is a money problem. It’s not. It’s a pattern problem.
Many of us try to command our finances before we’ve offered compassion to the parts of us that feel small, unworthy, or afraid. We push for more income but avoid the inner healing that would let us actually hold wealth in a healthy way.
Financial codependency happens when you outsource your sense of security or worth to something outside yourself – your income, your status, other people’s opinions, or old emotional stories. You tie your inner stability to an external number or a reaction from someone else.
Examples of Financial Codependent Patterns
Real financial codependency is sneakier than you think.
It often looks like care, generosity, or leadership, while quietly eroding your real security and peace.
Here are some of the ways it shows up:
| Codependent Pattern | Sovereign Shift |
|---|---|
| Sacrificing your health for money | “My body is sacred and deserves wealth too.” |
| Seeking approval through success | “I create from presence, not performance.” |
| Avoiding numbers or ownership | “I meet money with clarity and consistency.” |
| Over-giving to feel worthy | “I give from overflow, not to prove my value.” |
| Chasing income highs, avoiding inner lows | “I remain open and deliberate in all seasons.” |
| Controlling every penny to feel secure | “I lead with trust, not fear.” |
| Resenting when others don’t reciprocate | “I give freely and trust I am already supported.” |
| Fear of losing it all | “I build with trust and self-appreciation.” |
| Taking responsibility for other people’s emotions | “Others are sovereign beings having their own experience.” |
| Sacrificing intimacy for financial validation | “Intimacy is not conditional on wealth – it flows from presence.” |
My Story: How This Pattern Cost Me Millions
Let’s make this real.
In 2017, I was running a company doing $3 million a year. On paper, we looked like we’d made it.
Behind the scenes?
My own financial codependency was quietly driving the bus.
I overpaid my team. Paying some staff double what the market would pay. Why? Because deep down, I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be the “cool boss.” I wanted people to see me as generous. I wanted to feel like the good guy in an industry where owners often get painted as greedy or selfish.
It wasn’t just about generosity. It was about needing validation. I wanted my people to think I was good. I wanted the outside world to think I was better than “those other guys.” And under that? I was chasing security in their approval because I didn’t fully trust my own worth.
For a while, it worked. Everyone was happy. We were the place people wanted to work.
Until the business hit a rough quarter. (And most businesses eventually do.) There was no buffer, because I’d sacrificed profitability to protect my image. The margin that could have absorbed the shock was gone. I had to make cuts, fast.
Here’s the painful irony:
The people I’d tried to “protect” with high salaries now had to find work that paid nowhere near what I’d been paying them. They had to take huge lifestyle cuts. Some struggled to get back on their feet for years.
What started as an attempt to care for my people ended up hurting them.
Trying to “save” them kept them from seeing their true market value. It kept them from building skills that matched their pay. It kept them disconnected from financial reality… until reality hit.
That’s the paradox of financial codependency: it looks like care but it’s actually control. It feels generous but it’s rooted in fear.
Where Does It Come From?
It’s not about the money.
These patterns usually started long before your first paycheck:
- The parent who taught you that love must be earned through sacrifice.
- The belief that “I’m only good if I’m needed.”
- The fear that if you say no, you’ll be abandoned.
Codependent money patterns are old survival scripts trying to protect your sense of security. But they cost you your true security, sovereignty, and freedom.
Other Real-Life Examples
This pattern is subtle. It can look like:
- The business owner who pays everyone more than they can afford but can’t invest in their own well-being.
- The parent who always bails out adult kids instead of letting them learn.
- The partner who stays in financial control. Or gives up all financial control, because they fear conflict.
- The friend who always foots the bill because they dread being seen as selfish.
- The coach or healer who undercharges endlessly because they’re terrified of being seen as greedy.
- The entrepreneur who chases big revenue goals just to feel “worthy enough” for a moment, and then needs another goal to feel secure.
- The saver who hoards every penny but lives in constant anxiety, never trusting they are secure inside.
- The family member who co-signs a loan they can’t really afford because they can’t stand to disappoint.
These are all variations of the same pattern: outsourcing your security.
How to Spot It in You
Your money is a mirror.
It reflects your emotional state.
It never lies.
Ask yourself:
- What feeling do I most associate with money? Fear, shame, guilt, control, pride?
- What story do I believe that feeling means?
- Where do I over-give, undercharge, rescue, or hide?
- What would shift if I trusted my own security, no matter what the bank account says?
From Pattern to Power
When you see the pattern, you reclaim the power to change it.
Shifting from financial codependency to sovereignty isn’t about becoming cold or stingy. It’s about generosity rooted in clarity. It’s about trust that you, and the people you care about, are strong enough to face reality and grow from it.
The sovereign approach is simple:
- Give from overflow, not obligation.
- Lead with tenderness and command. Tend to what’s hurt, then lead what’s healed.
- Meet your money with clarity. No more avoidance.
- Build enough margin that one bad quarter won’t knock you over.
- Remember: true security comes from within.
A Gentle Starting Place
Here are three questions to hold:
- What pattern am I seeing in myself right now?
- Where did this pattern begin?
- If I trusted my own security more fully, what would shift in my actions?
You’re Not Here to Rescue… Or Be Rescued
What I learned the hard way is that you can’t “buy” security through other people’s approval.
Your financial wholeness starts and ends within you.
When you trust that, you lead others to their own security too.
Stay tuned for the next article: From Codependent to Sovereign: How to Make the Shift.
We’ll break down how to build real margin, not just in your bank account, but in your mind, your energy, and your sense of self.
You’re not here to survive at the brink.
You’re here to build the kind of wealth that honors your life, not your old fears.