If you’re in any kind of personal growth work, whether that’s coaching, therapy, leadership, or simply trying to be a better human, there’s a good chance you’ve learned about the power of reflection.
Reflection helps us see what’s really going on under the surface. It helps us connect dots, notice patterns, and take responsibility for how we show up.
It’s one of the most powerful tools we have for growth.
But sometimes?
It gets misused.
And the tricky part is, it still sounds like growth.
The Sneaky Side of Self-Awareness
Here’s what it looks like:
You bring something up to someone, maybe a pattern you’re noticing, or the way something they said landed on you.
Instead of hearing you out, they respond with something like:
“Why did that bother you?”
“Are you sure this isn’t about your past?”
And suddenly… the spotlight’s back on you.
You’re now defending your feedback instead of being heard.
This is what I call Deflective Reflection.
It’s when someone uses the language of growth to avoid the experience of it.
It’s usually not on purpose. In fact, most people who do this genuinely believe they’re being thoughtful.
But what’s really happening is a dodge.
It’s a subtle, polished way to sidestep discomfort while still looking like they’re doing “the work.”
Why It’s So Common (Especially Early On)
This pattern shows up a lot in people who are newer to personal development.
They’ve read the books. Listened to the podcasts. Maybe even started coaching or guiding others.
But they haven’t yet built the muscle of staying open when things get uncomfortable.
So when they’re challenged, they fall back on insights and analysis, instead of staying present with what’s coming up.
In short, they use insight as a shield.
Why This Matters
It might sound like a small thing.
But over time, this habit can:
- Shut down honest conversations
- Break trust with friends, clients, and teammates
- Make you seem emotionally intelligent while actually avoiding growth
- Lead to isolation or disconnection (because no one feels safe giving you feedback)
Worst of all? It slows your development down.
Because the more you explain away your patterns, the longer they stay hidden.
Reflection vs. Deflection
| Reflection | Deflection |
|---|---|
| “That stung. I’m going to sit with it.” | “Interesting that you feel that way. Why is that?” |
| Makes room for growth | Shifts focus away from self |
| Builds trust and connection | Creates distance and disconnection |
| Embraces discomfort as part of the process | Uses discomfort as a cue to deflect |
So How Do You Catch It?
You start by asking yourself a few honest questions:
- Am I actually listening… or just preparing a response?
- Am I open to being wrong here?
- Is this a moment to reflect, or a moment to receive?
It’s not always easy. But it is simple.
The real work starts when we put the mirror down and just listen.
Not to fix. Not to analyze. Just to take it in.
What It Looks Like To Stay Open
Let me be clear. This isn’t about letting people walk all over you.
It’s about learning to stay in the room when growth knocks on the door.
Sometimes, the most powerful response you can offer is:
“Wow… that’s hard to hear. Let me sit with that.”
Not because you’re wrong. Not because you have to agree.
But because staying open, that’s where trust lives. That’s where insight actually happens.
Want to Grow With People Who Get This?
Inside the Mastermind, this is the kind of work we do.
Not just theory. Not just talk.
Real people. Real growth. Real community.
Where reflection is welcomed, but so is feedback.
Where we show up for each other, not just as coaches or professionals, but as humans who want to keep evolving.
If that sounds like the kind of space you’ve been looking for…
It’s not for everyone. But if you’re still reading, there’s a good chance it’s for you.
Mike